Small Moments

It is crazy to me how at random times I will have vivid memories of small moments with Cade and Addi. Don't get me wrong, I think about them ALL of the time...but from time to time I have these moments when I remember every detail of a memory as if it just happened. Tonight I drove through McDonalds for dinner and as I pulled away from the drive thru I remembered a time when Cade was in the back seat and asked me if I could hand him his French fries. Then he said to me in his cute matter of fact voice, "I know Mom, I can't have my toy until I finish eating." I have gone through that McDonalds at least a 100 times since he's been gone, and that was the first time I remembered a specific moment so vividly from one of our visits there. I absolutely love it when I have these small moments! They ALWAYS make me smile...it really is all about the small things in life!!

Man I miss that kid!! Look how silly he is! Not matching pjs, too short shirt (appropriate length didn't matter to him), wearing his daddy's shoes, AND that precious smile!!

Christmas 2012

This year is by far, the most difficult and most emotional Christmas we've ever had.  I would be lying if I said that I was SO excited for Christmas this year.  The extreme opposite is true.  I am ready, and have been for the last several weeks, for this season to be over.  Many, many, many tears have been shed.  I LOVE Christmas and everything it stands for, but I wish we could have skipped it this year.  God has blessed us with an amazing family and together we will celebrate Christmas with Cade and Addi close to our hearts. 

Christmas 2010

 

 

Absolutely LOVE this picture of Cade and Addi!

Our Christmas is different this year, and not in a way that we would like it to be.  This year Darrell and I will wake up to silence.  Cade will not be running through our door with excitment ready to see what Santa has brought him.  We will not hear sweet Addi through the monitor letting us know that she is ready to get up.  Instead, we will wake up and remember the few Christmases that we DID have with our precious children.  We had three with only Cade, one with only Addi, and only ONE with both of them here.  I've said it a million times that our children brought so much joy to our lives.  That's what we'll be smiling about this year!  How can we not smile when we think of the two of them spending Christmas together again, and in Heaven!  They will never spend another Christmas apart!

Christmas at the cemetery

 

 

 

When I think about the story of Christmas and all that Jesus has done for us, my heart swells with emotion.  The amount of love that he has for us is overwhelming to think about.  Because of him we are loved, forgiven, and saved!  He is the one who we look to in our time of joy, sadness, and need....and he is ALWAYS there.  It is truly because of him that Darrell and I continue to live our lives in a way that honors him and brings him glory.  We hope that you have a wonderful Christmas and blessed New Year!

Thankful

This time of year usually makes me so happy. I can't lie, this year is tough! I thought I was going to get through it without being SO emotional, but I guess I thought wrong. I miss my kids...I miss them A LOT! This is the first holiday season in seven years that Darrell and I won't wake up to any kids waking us up to get the festivities started. I miss that...the noise of laughter and playing. I won't have any helpers in the kitchen with me this year...it really hurts my heart, literally.

When Addi passed away, I remember lying in bed when a sweet friend, another heart mom, sent me a text with a song that she said helped her get through losing her brother. I listened to it and just cried and cried. The words were perfect..."I am restless." What a perfect description of the mixture of emotions I feel. The feeling of want-I want to see their precious faces and cover them with hugs and kisses. I want to hear their voices. The feeling of longing-I long to be with them. The feeling of laughter-I laugh when I see pictures and videos of them being so silly and just being themselves. And the feeling of love-I love those two kiddos more than I can explain. I love that I can remember all of those hugs, kisses, laughs, and "I love you's"!

I am restless this season, but I am still thankful for the life that God gave me. I am thankful for His grace because I sure need it. I am thankful that I have an unbelievable husband who loves me and is ALWAYS there. I am thankful for Cade and Addi. They brought me so much joy and happiness in their short time here. I'm thankful for our families who have been by our sides from the beginning. I'm thankful for our sweet friends who have showered us with kindness. I'm thankful for doctors and nurses who did everything they could to keep Addi here. I'm thankful for prayers that have come from SO many people. And I'm thankful for the plans that God has in store for our family!

Happy Thanksgiving!


Here are the words to the song. I listen to it regularly!

"Restless"

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless

'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You.


AUDREY ASSAD lyrics are property and copyright of their owners.
"Restless" lyrics provided for educational purposes and personal use only.
Copyright © 2000-2012 AZLyrics.com

Beyond Excited

So, I know many of you have been waiting for an update...I apologize for not keeping up with this better.

Darrell and I went to see a fertility specialist on Thursday to see if we had any options as far as having any more children ourselves. Dr. McKenzie told us that we would be able to have a child with the help of an egg donor and a sperm donor! We are so excited about this! We love the fact that we will be able to go through having a child one more time. Dr. McKenzie told us that the success rate is 70% so the odds are in our favor. There will also be a 30% chance of us having twins!

We have started moving forward and I could possibly be pregnant within a couple of months! Our prayers are that this process will work (we love the idea of twins) and that everything goes as it should. I'll keep everyone posted with our progress. We are truly ecstatic!!

Exciting News

Darrell and I are starting the adoption process! Near the end of June, Darrell and I started talking about the idea of adopting. I remember wanting to bring it up to him and I had prayed that God would lead my heart. The evening that I sat down to bring it up to him, HE actually brought it up! Come to find out the idea had been heavy on both of our hearts!!

We have met with an agency and had our home study tonight. Now we just wait to be matched with a birth mother. I had to put together a scrapbook that represents who we are with pictures. We also had to write a letter to birthmothers explaining who we are, why we are adopting, and our dreams for our future child. The agency shows the book to birth moms, and based on the book, the mom decides whether she wants us or not. I'm not going to lie, it's a little difficult having to "sell" yourself.

Darrell and I are SO excited, and nervous at the same time. During all of this I can't help but think about Jeremiah 29:11.

"I know the plans I have for you~plans to give you hope and a future."

This was one of the verses I told myself all of the time after we lost Cade and while we were waiting for a new heart for Addi. Lately, it's been a lesson that HIS plans are what matter, not our plans. So now, I still cherish this verse, but for a new reason. We anxiously await His plans for us and the joy of continuing our family.

The Monument is Here

Darrell and I have been waiting patiently for Cade and Addi's monument to be made and put out at the cemetery.  We wanted it to be really special, so we decided to have pictures lasered onto it that represented the two of them.  For Cade, we decided on Woody and Lightning McQueen.  To say he loved those two characters would be an understatement.  And for Addi, we went with Mr. G (her favorite tag along).  Where ever she was, Mr. G was right there with her.  And, of course, a bow...would you have expected anything different?  On Friday they delivered it and it is beautiful!  We are beyond happy with it and love how everything turned out.

Monument on Friday without landscaping

Since about June I had been planning to surprise Darrell with having it landscaped.  One of our best friend's owns a landscaping business so I asked her if she would be interested in doing it for us.  She was so excited about it and it turned out amazing.  Lauren and her team put so much heart and love into the project and you can tell by how great it looks.  The best part is that the timing worked out perfectly!  Lauren and her team were able to do it during the day yesterday while Darrell and I were at work.  What a great way to end the day!  We went out to the cemetery for Cade's birthday and it was finished.  Darrell was shocked and absolutely loved it!

After!

Thank you Lauren and Dan for all of your love and support through the past year and making our monument so special!  We love y'all!

Another Birthday Without Cade



Birthdays always make me emotional, even when my precious boy was here to celebrate.  Today Cade would have turned six.  It's hard to believe that if he were still here, we would have had a six year old running around. 

After Cade passed away, someone told me, "Susie, time will heal your heart."  The truth is, that is NOT a true statement.  Time does not heal your heart.  This is the second birthday we are celebrating without him, and therefore 365 days have passed.  This birthday is not "easier".  My heart still hurts.

Birthdays are all about the person who you are celebrating.  In our family, the whole day is about them.  When that person isn't here anymore, it is still all about him or her, but it's SO much harder because you don't have them to hug or love on.  You wonder what you would be doing if they were here.  I wonder what kind of party Cade would have wanted.  I wonder what gifts he would have asked for.  I wonder what new friends would have joined us from his school.  I wonder if he would still get embarrassed when I danced around and sang "Happy Birthday" to him.  There are many things I wonder about.

But, do you know what I don't wonder about?  I don't wonder if Cade misses me and his daddy.  I don't wonder if he would rather be here than in Heaven.  And I don't wonder if Cade is happy.  I don't wonder about these things because GOD heals my heart, NOT time.  I know Cade is happy because he is with our Heavenly Father who loves all of us more than anyone else does.  And that is what makes my heart happy!

Big days of the year will always be hard and emotional because we are missing such a big piece of our life.  But when I think about the day that I get to spend eternity with my Lord and Savior and Cade, how can I not be overwhelmed with joy!

Happy Birthday sweet boy!  We think about you every day and smile when we think about all of the memories we were able to make with you.  We love you right up to the moon and back, Caderader!!